Sitting on the porcelain throne the other day, I began pondering how far technology has come. I mean, while taking a dump I can talk to someone on my cellular phone, change the radio station or television channel with a remote – no less, the same remote – get the latest news flashes on my pager, and chew gum, all at the same time. Amazing.
Take cars for instance. Consider how far we've come since the days when a car make was not a sedan or coupe but named after a letter (model T). And to start them you had to get on your knees in front of it and crank something half expecting a Jack in the Box to pop out at you, smiling a clowny smile. Contrast that to the remote starters installed in many luxury cars today.
Today you can purchase a car with a navigation system so complex, it's hooked into a server at a central location, and most of the people who can afford them don't know how to use them – and their VCRs flash 12:00, too! Directions on demand: Hit a button or two. Voila! A fat, dumb and happy red arrow – reading, You Are Here – appears on a small computer screen showing how to get there from here.
Car styling, that has come a long way, too. Today's cars are purely, aerodynamic road machines, so quiet and efficient. You can even balance a marble on the fine contours on some of the more expensive models. While the car is running! Amazing.
But, as much as technology has evolved, there are things that haven't kept pace.
For instance the toilet. American Standard's porcelain throne has had the same look and feel since the first shitter hit the market. Prehistoric, oversized, and cold to the hind, these asshole splashers came in straight from the outhouse.
Usage hasn't changed either: Take a dump, wipe, and push lever. Your societal contribution is flushed away.
Does this mean American Standard toilets have lagged technology? Or are they so far ahead of their time?
I mean, consider…
In an effort to move to a paperless society and save the forests, why can't an American Standard product (or any toilet manufacturer) be more aggressive, like one that would suck the shit right out of your asshole? The television advertisement might be:
The Quicker Picker Upper: No more wiping!
Look out Bounty.
Shit, they could even put one of those tri-arrow Recyclable decal next to the American Standard to promote that it contents are recycled back into society with a single flush. Environmentally friendly. And paperless.
Or how about a feature that would blow warm air, at whatever temperature you choose, on your asshole. It would loosen everything up until it becomes soupy and just flows. Never again would you strain in agony while pushing that wad of fiber out of your system. Think of all the time you'd save. See? It's efficient, too!
The possibilities are endless.
Oh! And this one just came to me: Say car manufacturers and American Standard got together. They could make a Navigational Shitter that traces by sonar any and all terds coming out of your asshole. No more Ghost Shits! That's something else!
As I said, the possibilities are endless. Toilet manufacturers should get their shit together.
Copyright March 28, 1999 by Thor Kirleis